Every day is a challenge. When was the last time you sat down and know yourself? When was the last time you evaluate how you feel? or when was the last time you were able to control your anger or tears in public? There are so many questions lying around when we talk about mental health. It starts when people ask you “How do you feel?” Coz that simple question is literally a million-dollar worth for a person who doesn’t even know what to feel.

Depression, Anxieties, Panic attacks, they all bring something in someone that we don’t understand; one thing that I learned while experiencing the same is that people will question the validity of the things that you feel; “All of a sudden you change your mood?” these are the words that a person with depression is scared to hear; feeling that whatever they are experiencing is a little invalid for everyone. Coz yes, not everyone will understand you, but you don’t have to explain whatever you feel to anyone. Whatever you feel, it is valid.

For years, I have experienced so many tourists, students or colleague asking me WHY? Yes, you haven’t heard about my story yet but here I am trying to explain to all of you that I’m one of those survivors, and I’m still fighting but at least I’ve over come it in so many ways. Where do I even start? I don’t know. Maybe let’s start from the moment I felt like whatever I do, I will always fail. Actually, I’m a jack of all trades but not in the eyes of the society where I grew up. I felt so small while growing up coz I was either being judged for the way I look or the way I do things. I’m good at every little that they give me (except for math) but sometimes it’s better not to be good at something to hide in the dark rather than be in the light be judged by every one. That’s how my mind works, while growing up, coz either they compare me to someone better or they tend to find mistake on whatever I do.

There’s not much to say coz I really experienced how fat kids were bullied, teased and ridiculed. I even experienced having a crush on someone and they won’t have a crush on me back coz I’m fat so if they date me their friends and family will just laugh at them. Yes, I was able to even date someone but he never introduced me as his date coz he doesn’t want people teasing him having a fat girlfriend. That was when I was a teenager. When I entered university, everything changed. It had gotten worse than it was when I was in high school. I thought it was over but it wasn’t, however, I never let any of my miseries affect whatever my perception in life. I continued fighting and believed that I am as good as everyone else.

From a young age, I was able to advocate for myself. I showed everyone that fat people can be confident and proud but along the way there are people who still didn’t believe me and so while growing up, I started to think that maybe whatever I’m fighting for or proving people doesn’t really exist. Like sometimes, I am thinking that life is just so cruel to me that I cannot even see any possibilities to be happy. On the medical side, whatever I feel is valid, there’s a reason why I feel so tired lately and everything that I was fighting felt a little out of place now.

After university, I thought the battle was done. Like I really thought that I can finally tell everyone that yes, I’ conquered the world but I was definitely wrong. Little did I know, the battle is just starting and the things that I advocated for was rather a practice for the real world. All I can say, at 29, the world is a bit cruel than I expected. I thought it will all be easy for me but I was wrong. I develop more complex depression that made it harder for me to discover what I really want in life and what my purpose were. I thought I was in the right place, thinking after university, the life will be as easy as the magazine showed it to be or as easy as the books had laid it out on me but it was all in writing only coz the real world is not even half of what you have read in the books.

After University, I didn’t get a job. I struggled on getting a job and it made it very harder for me especially with my social anxiety. I wasn’t surprised at all, in fact, I think from the very start, I knew it will happen. Well, I tried teaching English but I guess I’m not a good teacher coz at the first two days of teaching, the student felt like I cannot teach, well so am I, and so after I week, I quit the job without even bothering getting the pay for the job that I did for a week. After that, I realized that I think I might be useful if I use the free time that I have on researching and writing and so I became a thesis consultant and research assistant and later on, I decided to write my very own novel. It felt really good when I started writing and sending my manuscript to my best friend and so after 7 months of working day and night to finish the book, I published it as an ebook which has started a grave depression. You know why? Not that my book was a flop but my book was loved by strangers but not by my friends. I thought I will be getting the same energy that I’m getting from strangers with my friends but it felt like I was alone. After few months, I tried writing again, but I was starting to get the writer’s block. And so, I decided to get a job and work for some money to get ahold of a scholarship in a film school. They actually gave me a chance but I failed in so many ways because I got busy with work and work is yet another story to tell. It felt like everything that I wanted to do was so hard to reach and so I just stop from there and decided to be in weak side and accepting everything and fail mostly.

This article is actually saved in the draft since 2021 because I don’t know how to explain to the world how I fell and what I really have because the world can be so cruel at times and I don’t even know how I am surviving every day. I guess the only reason why I survive and still fighting is that no one will fight for you aside from yourself, you are your own warrior and despite all the challenges, I still see the light and I can still think of the bright side of the things that is happening to me. We are all having our own battles and I think mine is only chiseled for me because I am the only one who can conquer the whole thing. This maybe a pause in my life but I hope I will overcome my writer’s block eventually and will be able to write another book soon. I hope I will never stop fighting.

How life works with anxiety? It’s works depending on how you will see your anxieties. If you look at your anxieties as challenges, then you will be able to overcome it little by little. Every day, believe it or not, I am writing at least one sentence in this article just to be able to finish it. My writer’s block has prevented me from doing creative things and so the creative side of my brain feels like it has grown tired and is not able to give anything productive. But here I am, taking small steps in order to be back on my foot and be the old RJ that I was, the one who is full of dreams and the one who is very hopeful. After so many months of trying to figure out on how to write this, I think this is the best effort that I have given myself yet to be able to reach this part, thousands of words were left unsaid ever since I stopped writing but I hope that soon enough, I will be able to pick up from where I left off.

Life must go on, anxieties may be there, but you have to fight. Talk to your friends, to your doctor, to someone who can listen or if not, there’s my contact page, you can tell me all your sentiments and we will talk about it privately, or even publicly if you’re that brave enough. From this day, I will serve as an instrument for people who suffer anxieties just like me as a medium that can voice out the things you all want the society to hear.

This page is not only for movies, but also for everyone who wanted their thoughts to be heard. We’re all in this together!